Valentine's Anniversary
by Adrienne2
Summary: Carter deals with the first anniversary of Lucy's death


"Valentine's Anniversary"

The snow was falling as John Carter walked through the ambulance bay and into the ER. It was Valentine's Day once again, the day Carter had been dreading for a year. When he looked back now, everything seemed so simple. Where had he gone wrong? Was it when he ignored Lucy's concerns over a patient? Or was it after that, when he began stealing drugs from the hospital? It didn't really matter now, either way. Lucy was dead and it was at least partially his fault. She was so innocent, but mature past her twenty-five years. She was sweet, kind, a great friend, and always believed that there was something good in every person. And now she was dead.

Carter walked into the lounge, and noticed there were no Valentine's decorations anywhere. He knew why. Everyone wanted to forget, to pretend that this was just like any other day. But it wasn't. It would never again be a happy day for him.

"Suture case for you, John," he heard Kerry Weaver say. Carter nodded and smiled. It was a slow day, and most of the nurses were crowded around the admit desk. He headed to the supply room only to find Luka Kovac and Abby Lockhart kissing passionately. They were oblivious to his presence, so he cleared his throat. They broke away suddenly, short of breath and blushing.

"Sorry," Carter told them, "just need a suture kit." He grabbed one as fast as he could, then went to his patient. 

"Carter, wait!" Abby called after him. He turned around to face her. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but she knew he was lying. She could always tell. "No," he admitted. "I wasn't sure what to expect today…it's been harder than I thought."

"Why don't I talk to Weaver? I'm sure she'd let you go home."

"No, I want to stay here. I need to."

"Okay," she said, trying to understand. "If you need anything…"

"Can we talk, on your next break?"

"Sure, I'll come find you," Abby replied, worried.

They met up on the roof later that evening. The city glowed with street lamps and car lights. It had stopped snowing and for once the streets were peaceful as Carter looked down on them.

"What are you thinking?" Abby asked, interrupting his thoughts.

"Don't you think Valentine's Day is kind of a silly holiday?" She knew that's not what he was thinking, but let it go.

"It can be."

"Are you and Luka doing anything?"

"We went out to dinner last night."

"Must've been nice."

"Yeah…it was."

"Do you remember last year? We were up here talking…"

"Yeah," she said, smiling at the memory.

"And here we are again, a year later…it went by fast, didn't it?"

"Too fast."

They were silent for several minutes. Abby looked at Carter and saw the exhaustion in his eyes. It was the look of a man who had gone to war, seen horrible things, and came back, haunted and plagued with guilt. Silently, she reached out and took his hand in hers. He reacted by putting his head on her shoulder. There was no need for words; it was enough for Carter to know that she was there. He held on to her with all his might, as if his life depended on it. Carter needed her to make everything right again, but knew she couldn't. Nothing could.

Several hours later, Carter was sleeping in the on-call room. In his dreams he saw Lucy, lying there on the floor, her eyes full of unspeakable terror. Her face was pale…she knew she would die that night, knew there was no hope, and Carter knew it too. He could feel the knife in his back, being stabbed over and over, in endless torture. Lucy tried to speak his name, in her pool of blood, and there was Carter, helpless to help the one person who needed him. He whispered her name, over and over again, trying to comfort her. How long were they lying there? He didn't remember. Then the scene vanished, and Lucy was there, smiling and happy, chatting about something, some meaningless thing that he now regretted for not listening to. He had never paid enough attention to her, and didn't realize it until it was too late. She reached out to him, and spoke his name. Carter tried to take her in his arms, but she wasn't there, just an illusion, just a ghost. She wasn't really there, and never would be again. He called out her name. "Lucy! Lucy, I'm sorry!"

Abby heard him yelling and ran into the room. Carter was still asleep, sweaty with fear and exhaustion. "Carter, wake up," she told him. Suddenly he was aware of where he was. "Shh, it's okay," Abby comforted him like a child. He put his head on her shoulder, and she embraced him, stroking his hair. 

"I…I saw her…" Carter stammered.

"Saw who?" she asked with concern.

"L—Lucy…she was lying there…just like she was that night…and I couldn't do anything…"

"Carter, it's not your fault. There was nothing you could do."

"I didn't listen to her…she, she knew that Sobricki was schizophrenic…and I just ignored her, like I always did…"

"There's no way to change the past…it wasn't your fault…it wasn't anyone's fault…"

"She would've graduated in June. She wanted psychiatry…she would've been great at it, too… Lucy just had this incredible way with people…there was so much I didn't know about her…so many things I never asked in all the time I knew her…She was there…and then she was gone, just like that…"

"Carter, look at me," Abby said, and took his face in her hands, so he would have to look her in the eye. "It's not your fault. Stop torturing yourself…You've been through so much in just one year…don't blame yourself because you're still alive…there are still people who need you, people you can help…Lucy's gone, Carter…there's nothing anyone can do. We all tried our hardest…Dr. Corday, Dr. Romano, the nurses, Luka, Mark…we all lost her, but it's time to move on…"

"…I know…" he replied. Abby held him for what seemed like forever, and drove him home that night. She made sure he got safely into bed, and when she was about to leave, Carter held her hand and looked up at her.

"…Could you stay…" She nodded in reply, and lay down on the bed next to him. He held her throughout the night, for safety, for comfort. Carter slept through the night for the first time in a year, and awoke with a start the next morning, but then found that Abby was still there, next to him, that she had not left him. And for the first time he felt some peace in his heart.


End file.
